The Procrastinator's Friends

Procrastination on my part has 100% of its origin in FEAR. I'm not lazy, but I am still working on my self-esteem. When I am procrastinating, it is a sure sign I am being pushed to grow in a way that is scary to me. It comes out through these vices.

1. Doing research for the necessary papers...beyond the point of it being helpful. Or doing unfocused research while my brain scatters in 101 directions.

2. Worrying and obsessing about things I am not doing for work while I chip away at my applications...or vice versa. (As a working mom I've sometimes said that I feel like I am either failing at my work or failing as a mom and that I can't seem to do both really well. This is one more area in which I feel like I get unbalanced easily.)

3. Watching tv shows online.

4. Gabbing online about areas of life in which I feel more competent.

5. Blogging here (though this also is a helpful way to vent and let off steam in this stressful process).

6. Since my dog died just before Christmas: (A) Feeling a valid and legitimate sadness about my dog and then slipping into a funk or more recently...(B) Taking my sad feelings and giving them a release by going on Petfinder.com or researching dog stuff online so I can dream of a future day with a future dog, or (C) Related to #3 above, watching "The Dog Whisperer" and planning ahead for future dogs. Oh, also (D) trying to find out housing stuff for when I am in school so I can have clues before March whether I can get another dog this year or whether I'll have to wait until I am done with school and then moved/settled somewhere.

7. Combing through the status of my applications to check and double-check and then check again what I still have to do.

8. Taking a break every sentence when I am writing. Eating during every few breaks (not good at all for my weight and health). Refilling drinks. Going out to the car to get stuff I need. Running to work to get materials I could use that are there. Etc.

9. Sleeping.

10. Reading and being critical of things I've written in the past.

11. Reading papers I've finished but am not yet ready to edit, with no intention of actually editing them...more to feel badly about how rough they still sound.

12. Futile efforts to gain control over aspects of the application process that I can't control. Wringing my hands over missed opportunities (interviews that didn't go well, etc.).